List: "I Like Your Beard." -ke$ha

Discounters dont have awkward situations. Discounters create them. In the words of Peter Klaven, "The more awkward the situation... the less awkward a situation." He never said that. But he should've. 

Fuck an intro. Heres a god damn list of awkward things you have to tell people. 

1. "Your penis is showing." - Nothing is more awkward than having to tell someone the tip of their dick left the pants party early. I dont know why, but this point makes me want to sing, "Then you get her name, then you get her number, then you get some brain in the front seat of a Hummer..." (see Out of the Box) 

2. "Your boyfriends cheating on you, bro." - Be forewarned: your friend wont believe you. She'll probably be fucking pissed at you. Thats the way of the world, and this is such an awkward conversation. But, you did the right thing ponyboy. 

3. "You like...have a beard."-This point is strictly for females with excessive facial hair. I get that girls have to occasionally wax their upper lip and shit, but when I start thinking Santa's coming to town when you walk through the door, its time to shave your face. Prepare for some serious awkwardness, and use extra caution with this subject. Chances are, the girl already knows she has a neck beard!

4. "Your tattoo is gay."-Dont worry man, its not like its permanent or anything. The best is when the sluttiest most herpes-infested she-male you know gets a Bible verse tatted to her about abstinence. Or, when your boyfriend gets a tattoo you hate and you have to pretend like it gives you lady wood. #PAWL.

5. *after a yo-mama joke* "So awkward, I have two dads." -This is awkward for obvious politically accurate reasons.

6. "I blew your dad."- Note: you shouldn't blow your friends' dads'. BUT if its his birthday and you do..... honestly, dont tell your friend. Move to Mexico. Or... let... her blow your Dad? God damnit.

7. "You have food in your teeth." and/or "Your breath smells."-Okay, this isn't particularly awkward at all, UNLESS, this is a first-time blind-date hangout sesh type thing. Like, if you just met this guy and things are going awesome, the last thing you want to end up having to say to him is, "Hey, I know dinner was good but stop trying to share your basil and onion with me."

8. "Your period is showing."- Holy. Shit. Hide from this one at all costs. After the tragic reveal, she will RACK her BRAIN for HOURS thinking about each and every person she saw and talked to that day. Shouldn't have worn white. Sucks your taking public speaking this semester. The end.

9. "Hold on... you...have a booger." -The weird thing about boogers is... you'll ignore the fact that its hanging there for as long as possible, until it's completely unbearable. "Small bear cub, left cave, my dude. Yeah...thats it. You got it."

10. "I killed your dog."- This photo on the right. Is real life. Someone got ultra hamstered and broke all these ceramic labrador statues at my friends house party. Sure, not real dogs. But tomato, banana, right? Still awkward.

11. "pregnancy." - Its really funny. If its not you.

The Discount Bible,

DKockward

#pawl

Have any seriously awkward stories and/or weird shit we should know? Email us at discountknowledge@gmail.com