List: Bootycall

There is absolutely nothing better than regaining friends due to the loss of their boyfriend. Painful for them, selfishly wonderful for you. A new boozing partner, another ear to talk off, a new cab fare splitter, and another person to not go to the gym with. Anywho, this last weekend, I reconnected with a friend who just got dumped (asshole!!!) over a nice glass of wine….or five…or two bottles.. Needless to say, shit got cray and some GREAT reminiscing went down. Some happy stories, some sad, scary, unbelievable, weird…but mostly drunk and slutty. WHICH brings me to a story that had completely left my memory, until I was reminded last weekend. And so it begins…

It was a warm summer night, and last call for alcohol has just been announced at the bar I was at. Now after last call, there are two things a drunk homegirl needs: Del Taco and a dick. I settled for mcdonalds, but would NOT allow the second need to go unmet.

Now the ideal booty call has a few necessary qualities he must possess in order to be the first drunk call a girl makes, not the 3^rd or 4^th after the first few “have work early”….or are “too drunk to drive”…you know how it goes.

1.Be willing to pick me up, or send me a cab (and his card number

2. DON’T BE FUCKING AWKWARD ABOUT IT IN PUBLIC OR THE NEXT MORNING! OR EVER! It’s not weird if you don’t make it that way.

3. Ima be gay real quick and just say it…Don’t end up liking me. I’m great..I know..but come on now..this is a nice thing we got goin. You are, however, more than welcome to worship me.

4. Be good in bed (DUHHHHH)

5. NEVER and I mean NEVER do the forceful hand on the head thing when I’m “doing you a favor” (WINK FACE)!!!!!!! I’ll go at my pace or no pace. Hands off

*Ryan: THE IDEAL BOOTY CALL! Luckily for good ol’ Ry, on this particular night I managed to get dropped of at his house (his parents house).  And when I did, we (both hammered mind you) went straight to the back yard to have a smoke and go in the Jacuzzi. Clothes came off fast, we did the damn thing, wrapped up in some towels and headed to the bedroom.

Again…the next morning CAN NOT BE AWKWARD! And Ryan never makes it that way. Unfortunately, this particular morning, there was NO escaping the awkward. As Ryan gets up and is heading toward the bathroom across the hall, I hear an incredibly awkward chuckle coming from him. HIS MOTHER GATHERED OUR CLOTHES FROM OUTSIDE BY THE SPA AND WASHED, CLEANED, AND FOLDED THEM INTO TWO LITTLE PILES OUTSIDE HIS DOOR FOR US! INCLUDING MY SKANKY LEOPARD UNDERWEAR AND BRA!!!! I shit you not. And the best part….my ID was in my back pocket from being at the bar so that was also outside the door. SHE EVEN HAD A FACE TO PICTURE AS SHES CLEANIN MY DAMN PANTIES!

Moral of the story, friends….fuck it..theres no moral..this was just to hilarious to keep to myself.

Stay awkward, kids!

-DK