Facebook Ettiquette

Hey social pawns!

The Social Network was a chill movie. Justin Timberlake is rad. But the REAL Social Network, is a little less kosher. It ruins the way people speak, its shitting all over proper communication rules, and it makes people say and do things that in their RIGHT state of mind, they would NEVER attempt to do. You know what I'm saying, because you've done it yourself. Probably within the last 10 minutes.
Here is a list of rules regarding Facebook etiquette:

1. I feel this one needs to be first due to it being such a common problem these days. Stop it with the mirror pictures. I’m not exactly sure when it became so accepted and normal, but all I picture is you in you room/BATHROOM (EVEN WORSE) retaking this picture of yourself over and over until it’s juuuuuust right. And that my little turd burglar, is pathetic. (Also applies to instagram)

2. DO NOT…I repeat DO NOT like your own status/picture/wall post. You obviously like it..otherwise you wouldn’t have posted it. DUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHck sause.

3. If you have a penis, "<3" and ";)" should be absolutely nowhere near your status! If you are a man and you are using these...its creepy and you're not getting laid because of it. YOU'RE WELCOME.

4. If I run into you somewhere, but am not actually hanging out with you, don't check me in with you and your homies. This happens to me at dollar beer night too often. Yes, I have acknowledged that you and I are acquaintances by saying hello, but if I’m not physically hanging out with you, there is most likely a reason and you need to stop creating the illusion that we are buddies to all your facebook friends.

5. Stop making the caption to every picture “my bitchesssssss”…because we know. We saw the other 50.

6. Now, this next rule hurts me to even type because people should be smarter than this, but that is clearly not the case. IF I DO NOT KNOW YOU WHY WOULD I ADD YOU. You're weird. Not to mention, when I message you asking if I know you, I’m not going to be flattered by “no but you're really cute so I thought I’d add you.” Yeah…well...when I opened your page I thought you were ugly, but I didn’t report you to Facebook!

7. Stop politicking in your status. You're begging for a facebook war and no one likes that. Vote for whoever you’d like, but don’t post it. Because I guarantee you have those friends that know absolutely nothing about this shit, but will argue with you for days about how you're wrong. Just avoid the facebook fight. We’d all appreciate it.

8. There are two places you are not allowed to check in: The gym and your house. I don’t care that you're at the gym and I also do not find you more attractive at this moment for working out. Don’t be a douche. And really? You just checked into “my bed” or “my cumfy couch.” Its weird. And I don’t care. Sarlz Barkley, but it’s true.

9. Stop posting pictures of your food. Like, only your food. Like you made some chicken and a non-impressive side dish of some sort and you put them on a plate. Congrats. I don’t need to see it. And really?? “YUMMMM?" That’s all ya got? People these days….(also applicable and actually more relevant to instagram)

10. Hashtagging. Facebook is not twitter or instagram. So when you say “Going to the DMV #iwanttodie” this means nothing. You can’t click on it…you may have just said “I want to die” the # symbol is not necessary. Also, side note, when hashtagging in a real hashtag scenario, do not make these long crazy hashtags that no one else in the entire world is going to ever search such as #mydogjackissolazyrightnow or #imsohungrybutjennajustate

11. POKING IS CREEPY. Nuff said.

See you on the Zuckerbook,
-DK