List: Levels of Intimacy

Here’s a guys guide

Since people think its okay to octo-mom text us and send us selfies up the ying yang prematurely, we decided to do some philanthropy and provide guys with a FREE guide to not being a creepy ass scallywag. Did you ever think that maybe we would respond if you weren’t excessive or un-funny? Follow these steps carefully if you ever want someone to like you back.

**Of course, keep in mind: If you’re unnaturally good looking or have a British accent you can probably gloss over a couple (or all) of these steps. You lucky bastard.

1.    You can come over, and say hi/hows life to me in a public setting. Not obnoxiously, just a casual walk by to leave me wondering why you left. Don’t overstay you’re welcome; this isn’t the Holiday fuckin Inn.
2.    You’re allowed to text me AS LONG AS what you’re sending me is not sappy as fuck. Or five pages long. And remember: you must always have a reason for the text. Don’t send me bullshit to early on. At this stage you’re allowed to only text me when something is funny/ an inside joke happened/ or a picture (that is not of yourself. See #8).
3.    You can come over to my house, or invite me over to your house. Remember: if you do this prematurely, you look like a hoe who’s just trying to sleep with me. Maybe I’ll just invite you over? It’s a toss up.
4.    Double texting- slash you will notice that there is no level for triple texting… because it will never be an option.
5.    Since you have made it this far, it is now socially acceptable to put an emoji next to my name in your contact. Or change it to some inside joke name. But if the emoji is of that couple kissing you’re a lesbian. And/or also don’t use: flowers and smileys with hearts for eyes.
6.    Meet the friends. Invite me to a party and I’ll invite some friends. But if you do this too soon I’ll automatically think that you’re only bringing me around so that you can brag to you’re friends. Which is fine. But if I come with some friends than you’ll like like a baller-ina and you’re friends will like you for helping them get laid.
7.    Drunk calling- Mostly because the more we see your name show up on our phone, the more we own your life. These can be funny, sure, but having 13 missed calls is unattractive as all get out. Lets say in an alternate universe we answer the call, please God, don’t tell me how much you love me, and please don’t tell me you’re horny and puking. There’s a time and place for that. But this isn’t the time, and trust me, It wont be at my place.
8.    Selfies- we cannot stress this one enough. I know having an iPhone makes sending selfies so tempting but if you send them too soon you’ll look like a tool bag. And don’t try to send them with a clever caption… this isn’t myspace. The chances of me saying “Aww he’s so cute” are slim to none. 
9.    Holding hands while driving- if you do that prematurely it’s game over.
10.    DTR- define the relationship. If this is done wrong you will ruin everything. Or done too often. Don’t force me to talk about my feelings. You’ll know if I wanna talk about them because I’ll bring it up genius.

It’s a dog eat dog world out there, folks. Saddle up.
-DK