Happy Halloween Homies!
It is that time of year again! Currently, we are in the process of preparing our bodies for the week long shit show we wont remember, that most know as "Halloween." This Hallows Eve should be a total crunch. Theres a whole lot of shit going down in our neck of the woods that Halloweek. But for now, we are just basking in the ambiance that is The Day of The Dead. First stop. Knotts Scary Farm.
Last week, we bought 16 tickets to Knotts Scary Farm. All the ladies we're close with grabbed a honey and we took them out on the town...In Buena Park. The gang showed up and we got the Discount Knowledge fast pass through all the mazes. We rolled up to the the first maze, got the shit scared out of us, and capitalized on the men around us. Note: If you are scared as shit, you dont look clingy if you grab the nearest hand and interlace the shit out of it.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Right now. Theres a maze/satanic blumpkin called "TRAPPED" in the theme park. Its terrifying. For two reasons. One, you have to pay 60 bucks to do it and that is just inconceivable. Two, the art of this expensive ass maze if that you get LITERALLY and METAPHORICALLY and ACTUALLY lost. The point is to test your actual human abilities and brain power. Walking into the maze reminded me that I've never been happier to be sober in my entire life.
That maze started by shitting each group of 6 into a room full of disgusting, shit-filled bathroom stalls. Complete with piss-smell and stain. The door locked, and it was every man for himself. We all started tearing that shit (literally) up trying to find a way out. After about 45 seconds, an old prick dressed as a plumber busts out of the stall screaming, "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS IN MY BATHROOM YOU SHIT HEADS!" I assume he was an actor, not just an asshole. All of the sudden, the stall door swings open and a small hole appears for us to walk through.
That hole left us in a closet sized room of rats. In rat cages. That shook. After we figured out how the fuck to get out of that shit, we all got shoved into a LITERAL cage. All six of us. Again- capitalize on the fact that you can grind your shit all up on, basically, whoever you want male or female. A ceiling fan from hell then shat out some rat pellets onto our faces (killing the mood).
After that boner kill, they forced one of our buddies to eat maggots. **Thats probably why they charged us 60 bucks for this maze. They had better be fucking gourmet maggots. ** Post maggot eating, they forced us all into a glass case of emotion that, once again, we had to find our way out of. Since we signed A WAIVER, at the front of the maze, the monsters could touch us however they fuckin pleased. It was especially awkward when the Bloody Mary look-alike monster got her monster paws stuck in my weave. Regardless, she was scary as fuck and I took a shit right there on the floor.
Its so funny to think about WHO the people behind the masks are. Like for instance, you know the clown that just chased you for two miles around this theme park totally goes home and plays Call of Duty for eight hours until he falls asleep in his parents house. After he eats an entire bag of cheese puffs and forgets to pop his newly rooted zits from the full-face of makeup he just scraped off with a wippee.
I hope this recap convinced you to go to Knotts Scary Farm. Because all screams, embarrassing falls, and monster chases aside, it was super fucking fun.
Dont forget the slut rule,
-DK(notts)
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