Cosmosis Jones

Dude, Cosmo went above and beyond on their August issue. They have some really funny shit in there. Normally I don't get sucked into magazines like this, specially when the cover reads "52 SEX TIPS." But my friend left this one at my house last night during our weekly Magazine and Wine Party. And this morning while doing some light cleaning (aka throwing away a pile of Reese's wrappers) this magazine caught my eye. Caught my eye in a really negative way, I mean like Ashley Greene's tits do look really nice on her cover pic but like her pants are literally the same exact color as the background (sorry if I'm getting to attentive over minor details but like its so much light pink. It looks like that one time my friend took too many shots of pepto bismo and threw up all over my steering wheel ((last time I've ever let her drive my car drunk)).

Anyways... I decided to read this magazine because of its shitty cover AND low and behold! holy hilarious! They wrote the greatest little blurb one pager ever. I just had to tell all of our thousands of followers!

"Shit My Guy Says... When He's Horny." By: Annie Daly
It quotes ten different girls telling us about the craziest things their dudes have told them to try to get laid.

My favorite:
"'I have this poison inside of me,' he explained, 'and it just has to come out.' Yeah, he was talking about his sperm." -Jackie D.
Personally I'd be offended if a man said that to me... because I would automatically think that he was referring to an STD. And there is nothing hot about an STD.
Which we've quoted previously.


After reading this article I started to recall things that past boyfriend/hookupbuds use to say to me. And now looking back I'm realizing all of the lame and hilarious shit I use to fall for.

One time at a party this guy lured me into bed by saying that he would "take me on a date tomorrow, but since we're both here now we might as well just get it over with." A. I can't believe I agreed to that (damn tequila) and B. Tomorrow is always a day away... aka I still haven't gotten my date asshole.

Another time this bastard told me that he knew where I lived and would kill my family if I didn't cooperate.
Well thats a lie... but it happened to this little girl in the book I'm reading right now and its so realistic that it pretty much happened to me too.

But this one really did happen, "I'm so mad at you I can't even picture you naked." So I decided to take off all my clothes so that he didn't have to imagine me naked. You're welcome.


Like my grandpa use to tell my mom every time she left the house and who now tells me every time we get off the phone: "Have a good night, and keep your legs closed."

Party on Discountees,
DonkeyKong