Ugh, this is a story that pretty much proves to the world just how retarded slash gullible I am and just how awesome slash funny my mom is (don't ever tell her I said that, her head will get too big). But I've already given her props for this one, and all my friends did too... it's just too golden.
Towards the end of summer last year, right about the time I was moving out I had a tragic running experience (this is why I don't exercise... and also because I'm lazy as shit). To say the least... I got a lil bit dizzy and over heated after my run and landed myself next to the porcelain god. But this is where my story takes a turn.
You see... I've had a shit cloud over my head for the past three years since I broke a mirror in one of my make up compacts (literally, a cloud of shit. But I only have four more years of bad luck. Silver lining). So when I went to go yack my life away... I kind of... a little bit.. hit my rack really really fucking hard on the toilet. And by really hard, I mean hard enough to crack my sternum.
It was a whole ordeal. I had to go to the docs and get x-rays and shit only for them to tell me that they'll call me tomorrow like I was a hooker who did a bad job or something. The next day they called only to say that i am officially the only person idiotic enough to crack my sternum by toilet humping, and that they can't do anything about it except mummify my body in one of those elastic ACE bandage things. You know, the completely unnecessary kind that do nothing and people at your high school used to wear to get attention for completely idiotic injuries?
For the next couple weeks (and now that I think of it, I guess this still applies) i was incapable of heavy lifting. Luckily, I was in the middle of moving out. Right?
After the phone call, my mom recited the diagnosis to me. So I casually asked, "Hey, what's that bone called again?" My mom (so quick, clever and mean) replies, "it's called your cervix!"
Me... not thinking anything of it, started to milk my injury to the whole world saying "oh its really no big, i was like, snowboarding saving this baby saint Bernard in the Alps and i cracked my cervix." I even wrote a status about it. I got a lot of mixed reactions from people. Some replied with "hahahahahh" others "you're a whore." I even got one saying "maybe its time you should close up shop for a little bit." I was confused. I thought people would be more sympathetic. It was a cracked rib cage?! Am I right or am I right?! I'm wrong.
The next day after yet another friend had called me a floozy after hearing the news, I decided to do a little research. What I found was quite shocking. I learned that what I had actually cracked was called my sternum, and that a cervix was actually a muscle in my vagina. A vagina that people probably thought now was the nastiest, widest, most fucked up thing ever. Like honestly every guy probably thought that having sex with me would feel like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
I told people that I cracked my vagine, but I was also telling them that I cracked a muscle (which is a muscle... incapable of crackage).
Well mom, I'll give you a monkey high five for this one*, but I would watch your back in the future. Or should I say, your "cervix."
It's all fun and games until someone breaks their vagina, always remember that.
-DKpublishing
*go on your ex boyfriends Netflix, which we know you still have the password to, and watch "Nick Swardson: Seriously who farted?" bring an extra pair of undies.
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