Lol jk they do. Except we don't. We're emotionless... well that's not true. We have positive emotions like happiness and that bullshit. But not sadness. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried, because it happens that irregularly.
So this is what we do. Once a year we go pick up some wine coolers, rent the Notebook, put on some sleepers, light a few candles and sync up our periods with a good ol' fashion cry fest.
This is what we did last night. A good cry was long over due for us both (dudes suck, and bitches suck more. Nuff said. Ha. 8th grade throwback.). I was expecting to get a little teary eyed and a little tipsy but I def wasn't expecting to black out and wake up caked in my own tears and snot.
It was a pretty rough night. We drank a nice friendly six pack of Smirnoff screwdrivers (yum. I highly suggest these) and capped off an entire fifth of UV pink lemonade (just typing the name makes me want to vom.com). We just took straight shots of that shit. Fuck that.
I don't think we even got half way through the movie before I was sauced and starting the water works. My memory goes in n out (that sounds good right meow) right about the time Ali gets engaged to LAWN. Im not sure what made us cry harder- the fact that she was betraying Noah and about to marry the wrong dude, or that LAWNS parents thought naming their kid LAWN was a choice idea.
If youre having yourself your own personal Cry-fest '12 (its a thing. look it up.), make sure youre wearing a shirt youd feel comfortable painting or feeding the homeless in. For Cry-fest this year, we wore shirts from our old private elementary schools that read "What Happens In Vegas - Is Revealed In Heaven." Capiche? Then, stop constantly to take shots. Step 3, follow those with cuddling each other on the kitchen floor while wiping snot over EVERYTHING.
We took a snot bath on the kitchen floor and that was my last memory. Next thing I know I'm in a bunk bed, and its 10 am. I had to be at my parents house at 9 am. Awesome fucking possum.
Without hesitation I jumped out of bed, screamed "Fuck ME!" and ran into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and almost started Cry-fest '12-ing again because my head somehow got replaced with Chucky from Childs Plays' head overnight. Instantly like a Jedi pullin the moves on Darth Vade, I fell to the toilet and started yackin. After a few minutes of that and a few minutes laying on the ground in a pool of my own sweat I finally got up, collected my belongings and drove home (still drunk) (still not safe) (see Star Spangled Hammered).
As I arrived at my parents I took a quick look in the mirror and realized that my face still looked like the whole thing got raped by the ugly bat. Fuck me again. I had a twenty second walk up the driveway to figure out a game plan. The second I reached the garage my mom turns around and I SHIT YOU NOT she says, "what the fuck happened to your face? Are you drunk?"
Without even thinking I said: "no, I got food poisoning last night."
The rest of the day I got to grump around hungover as fuck and nobody even knew! Everyone was so sympathetic and awesome! Yeah, I felt like death cab for cutie, but at least I didn't have to feel like a shit head for getting drunk the night before. Because I honestly think my parents are starting to think I'm an alcoholic.... And I'm starting to agree.
Cry-fest '13 is 365 days too close.
I never want to drink again....except for the fourth of July (it's the fourth so like how could I not be eating jello shots and swapping saliva with my flavor of the week) and our birthdays (reminder #3). But besides those three days, I'm never going to drink again. Also, I would like to apologize for how disgusting what I just said made me seem. There is nothing attractive about swapping saliva with anything.
Kick ass,
DK
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