House-Shitting

As I lay outside by the pool at this motel 6, that I snuck into by doing an intensive routine of parcour, I'm forced to recollect on last summer. This summers been good, and we've got a sick lineup of shit to do over the next month (both of our birthdays...reminder #2), but it just doesn't compare to how fuckin CRUNK things got last summer. They were whorrific. and it was beautiful.

Last summer we house sat for a family while they went away for two weeks. They lived in a nice house, and they had a nice ass body of water out back. Their rules were to not drive the cars, feed the dog, bring in the mail, and not drink their beer. They never said that. But its assumed.

We drank their beer.. Just to clarify.

The next 14 days consisted of the gnarliest shit show I've ever extensively participated in. We drag raced their cars. We got so tan we were purple. We got so sloshed it would almost be considered a success of a night if one of our friends didnt piss on the couch.

One night, we had a party. It was a sausage fest (except for us). This girl from high school named... Actually. Let's call her. Beer can motherfucker. BCM. Beer can motherfucker came over and revealed to us just how awesome we look when we prance around stupid drunk.

We were all in the jacooz makin moves, kickin ass, taking names. Getting saucy. When we casually persuaded BCM to make out with our friend. She had consumed ONE alcoholic beverage. Just one. Mind you, BCM is very attractive, under aged, isn't really a drinker, and is a mega-prood always in a prood-mood. But most importantly, she has a massive rack.

So! She does it. It started out... Gross as shit. But then she lost control and instead of making out WITH him, she graped his face and made out ON him. Straight tongueing that shit like she was mama cat washing her kid. To blanket the awkwardness, some friends and I starting chanting profanities and things like "OH HELL YEAH LICK HIS FACE!!" or "FOR SURE MAKING OUT YEAH!" you know. The yooooooooj. BUT THEN! (climax) she jumped in the pool. And with no persuasion, and no questions asked, literally...... no one said this to her... She screams:

BCM: "WANT ME TO TAKE MY TOP OFF!!!!"
Dk: ...................
BCM: "FUCK FINE I WILL!!!!!!!"
Dk: .................?
BCM: Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! or something. I don't remember. I browned-out.

Furthermore, she was naked. And skinny dipped the night away alone. Of course, she kept drinking.... chlorine. And refilled her beer with waterfall water thirty times, until her brain cells were fried with pool chemicals!! BCM KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP!!! Am I right!? God. I miss house sitting 2011.

Then she woke up the next morning to teach vacation bible school.


To the window, to the wall,
Till the sweat drop down my bawls (DK)