Eye-Contact

Hey single celled organisms.

The weirdest thing happened to me today so I instantly thought, "DK," and here we are again.

I have this problem where I make eye-contact with people. You would think that's not really a 'problem' but it is. I'm actually convinced its a social disorder. Imagine if every time you looked up one person was starting through your soul, that you've never met. Its awkward! Just like when you pull up to a red light and the person in the other lane pulls up right next to you - you look. You always look. Its like that, but on steroids. Of course, I dont make eye contact while eating penis shaped foods (I know you were thinking it).

So today, I was in a coffee shop at my college with my friend T* (pronounced tee not tee star). We were just catching up and shooting the shit when I found it an appropriate time to tell her how bad my lady-cramps were. Really though, I was shocked I even made it to the coffee shop looking like a filled-out human skin bag. I literally felt like my ovaries were collapsing and we were all going to have a pull a Madeline and take me to get them surgically removed. That being said, I decided to share that with her. Duh.

As I'm grabbing my baby-maker and crouching over to stop the pain, I sit up and punish my ovaries by violently punching them (in joking fashion). As I do so, I make eye contact with a young man in the coffee shop. He is watching me punch my ovaries, and I'm intently watching him watch me.

I, honest to God, looked like I was jacking myself off. Not to mention, my face looked like I had just been through a real-life Fight Club, brass knuckle, slap-fighting Cryfest '12. I looked fucked up. And I was jacking my dick off. I was choking my nonexistent chicken with the grodiest look on my face while STARING at this innocent bystander. We locked eyes, and he watched me jack my dick off. He didn't even buy me a drink first.

Never make eye contact while eating a banana,
-DK

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