You know when something is like horrible but awesome at the same time? Or like you love someone but at the same time you want to rip their dick off? Thats how I feel about last night. It was the biggest fail of my entire life... but i came out not-arrested, not-naked, and I gained at least 30 badass points.
K (Knowledge) was having a birthday party for one of her chums last night so I came and dragged my roommate there with me. Everyone was out of control drunk. It was FIRE. Everyone's party rocked (LMFAO plug). We played beer pong for lightyears and embarrassed ourselves right.
Around 2ish this one kid... lets call him Fellon, decided that he wanted to go home and that he should drive.
If you're reading this story correctly, driving anywhere doesn't look like its in the cards. We said, "Oh hell no, you're so hamstered." I was in hamsterdam... and my roommate was sloshed... but this dude made us look like sober Sally's compared to his shitshow. My roommate and I volunteered to walk him to his house, and then walk back to the party where we would commence round 2, then pass out.
Half way through our journey there, Fellon and rommie decided that they wanted to start playing Spiderman and jump on top of cars and run across them. Fellon also decided to open all car doors and search for things to steal. Pardon my french, but fuck that.
Unfortunately, my roommate fell off a truck and wrecked his knee, hands, and elbow. Gravity affects everyone, even Spiderman.
He was limping like a real G, and Fellon decided he just wasn't going hard enough. After ding dong ditching all our neighbors, stealing from cars, jumping off expensive cargo, being drunk in public, and a minor in possession, it was time to put the cherry on top. He went for the mother ship of all vehicles (dumb).
The car alarm went off, and all three of us ran around the corner and hid behind other cars. So many cars, so little remembrance of these cars. After a couple of seconds, when we felt shit was kosher, we decided to keep adventuring on to his house.
After the alarm just sounded like a faint noise, he decided he liked the danger and adrenaline. A. If you want danger and adrenaline.. Do it alone. Or do Meth (but dont). B. This isn't toilet papering. If you get caught, its jail time.
He broke into another car. He had yet to actually steal things. I think by the time he got in the car, he was too wasted to remember why he was there. Im not really sure what his intentions were, but I also didn't stick around to find out.
After the second car alarm went off, me and roomie took off running in the opposite direction. We didn't want to get caught up in that shit. So we are running... drunkenly... roomie is limping, and I'm trying not to eat shit.
I don't live in that area, so we got lost pretty quickly. We took a power break to look up K's address and get directions back there when all of sudden we hear sirens coming towards us. Fucking awesome. We're both underaged, shit faced, and now tied to a fucking car-theft cartel. What a great scene. That is the nips on ice.
Logically, when cops are searching for car-theft criminals, you dont hide behind another car. But we did... it made sense in the moment. And of course a cop car finds us because Im about as sly as a fucking gun. The second their headlights flashed onto me I threw my hands in the air and started screaming "IT WASNT ME IT WASNT ME" shaggy style.
We got cuffed, shoved against cop cars and got searched. Five other cop cars surrounded us. At this point I am drenched in my own tears, roomie is covered in blood from his Spiderman wounds, and I've shit my pants. No sign of fellon.
They put us in separate cop cars and started questioning us. We both told them the same story, thank God. And they somehow believed us, even though they had literally no reason to. We reaked of blood, sweat, piss, and vodka.
There was a she-cop there, (a really nice one which is so weird because normally lady cops are mean lesbians with dyke spikes). She took pity on me while I was hyperventilating, and told the mean man cops to take us home. Girl power.
Besides my ex-boyfriend, this was the longest three minute ride of my life. The cop driving my car was such a cock. He kept saying he wanted to just take me straight to jail and he was all pissed that lady cop wouldn't let him.
Finally, we got back and they let us out. The mean cop looked at me and says, "If anyone else at this party steps outside of that house Im coming back for you. I know all your information and your ass will be sitting in a jail cell." So I round-two shit my pants. Thank you, officer. Lucky for him, I was wearing a diaper (I wasn't).
We ran inside the house, locked the bathroom door and cried (well I did while he comforted me saying "shut up.") I fixed my make up, changed my panties, went back out to the party and tossed a couple beers back.
For once in my life I lucked out on something. They could have fined us for being minors and being drunk in public. Not to mention they could have arrested us on felony charges for breaking into cars. Roomie, Fellon, Knowledge, and I walked away with NO citations. Some people just walk in the light, ya know?
It was honest to God the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. BUT Im a friken badass, right?
I almost got arrested. And because of this story and my suffering, you guys can have joy. I'm like Jesus (blasphemy. contemplating deleting that.....)
The first thing he said to me this morning was, "I should be in 'Two girls, one cup' because I ate so much shit last night." PAWL, this is why he's my roommate, friken funnyass.
Anyways, I learned a very important lesson last night.... cop cars aren't comfortable. The back seats are plastic! They aren't even cushioned. So rude.
You have the right to remain drunk,
-DK
Ps. We don't talk to Fellon anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment